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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27575372">More alive than I am allowed to be</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowtreeforthesoul/pseuds/willowtreeforthesoul'>willowtreeforthesoul</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:16:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,179</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27575372</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowtreeforthesoul/pseuds/willowtreeforthesoul</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Nagito can't even get out of bed.</p><p>Mainly a big vent oneshot where I project into Komaeda oop</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>136</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>More alive than I am allowed to be</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay this is kinda a fat vent so,, tw for depressive thoughts I guess.</p><p>If anyone needs to reach out for support, I'm here and I'm proud of you for still being here!!! ILY &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sometimes Nagito can't even get out of bed.</p><p>The almost evil feeling thoughts snake around his head and engulf him, sitting heavy on his withering chest and remind him of how little he's worth. Rattling words bounce around his rotting skull and chain him to this bed of not quite safety, and he wonders why he's still fighting.</p><p>He's so tired.</p><p>The statement feels like a great understatement, as he struggles to find any form of motivation just to get through any more meaningless days. All of his needless thoughts meet each other in the darkest corners of his sorry mind, and work together to take him down. They all merge into one big ugly animal, that pins him down and tells him how absolutely pointless he is.</p><p>Because what's the point anymore? What does somebody so worthless put into this world anyway?</p><p>It doesn't even matter if he gets up or not. It won't make any difference. Perhaps nobody would even notice he never left this bed, he could stay here decaying into dirty mattress until he finally becomes as dead as he feels inside.</p><p>But that's a selfish thought, indeed.</p><p>Partly because it'd be self consuming to believe anyone is deserving of finding him in such a pitiful and disgusting state, it just wouldn't be fair, (he pushes down the ironic thought that none of this is fair).</p><p>Something sits unnaturally inside of him, nipping and gnawing at his stomach in some attempt to be released into the world, because the other part is that he knows somebody would notice.</p><p>He knows Hinata would notice.</p><p>Lovely Hinata, who makes him sick with love and looks at him with such warmth it burns to even believe he might be worthy of this.Hajime, who spends so much of his time wasted on Nagito. Too much spent burdened with taking care of someone so insignificant.</p><p>Sometimes he so selfishly hopes that the brunette will stay with him until the sun rises, and would finally be able to see a nearly deserving version of Nagito. He wishes and puts so much hope into the soon ending future, because that's all he can do.</p><p>All he can do is hope for something brighter to come.</p><p>Other times, he's more considerate. Those are the times where he prays for the strength to set his lover free, and he brews up the most vicious words he could think of to attack, only for the other boy to kill the words on his tongue with a kiss.</p><p>The loud boisterous noise outside blares through the walls and threatens his undead form with more discomfort, and the ceiling tiles looking down on him spit on his frail pathetic body, and let him cave in until he feels so awfully small.</p><p>A hissing not unfamiliar trail of thought wriggles its way into his unworthy head, and Komaeda once again finds himself thinking of the concept of death. It's almost funny, he thinks. </p><p>Because dying to him doesn't exactly feel like a problem, more so a kind dream in which he wouldn't have to wake up from, or a quiet nightmare slowly consuming him.<br/>
Or probably it's the grey area between consciousness and not, that nobody of this plain could ever conform nor deny.</p><p>There is something quite pretty about Nagito dying, he thinks. Because as body decays down to nothing more than bones, every muscle of his sickening being will be taken away until he's nothing more than a skeleton, a mere reminder of the creature he used to be. And the beauty in that, is despite the never ending differences in every single human body, every skeleton, no matter the origin, tend to look the same.</p><p>A quiet creak of the door being gently forced open drags Komaeda out his spiriling thoughts, as he hears some shuffling about outside of his view. He doesn't bother to turn and look, he doesn't need to.He knows it's Hajime, because who else is foolish enough to waste time on someone like him.</p><p>"Hey, bad day?"</p><p>The brunette calls out in a voice that's way too kind, trying to pull Nagito back from the abyss in his mind. It's a little ironic to call it a bad day, because that would imply that there even is good days anymore. The suggestion of every day not dragging on to end to identical makes something buzz inside of him.</p><p>There's more unnecessary noise that doesn't make its way through Nagito's skull, and he doesn't even notice the figure removing some of the bed covers.</p><p>"Move over a little"</p><p>This time though, Nagito does look up. For the first time since he dreadfully opened his heavy eyes, he moves an inch just to catch the lovely sight of the brunette crawling into bed besides him. There's a tingling burning feeling in the back of his eyes, and tears threaten to leave at the kindness of the gesture.</p><p>Who know a simple action, so domestic and pure, could reduce him to a such a melting state?</p><p>An unfamiliarly kind thought whispers in his head, how this is the closest thing to family he's ever had. And for once, it's not exactly a painful mental state. It's not as if Komaeda's never had a family before, because he has. He had parents, once opon a time. Now they're almost as worthless as he is, bitter and rotting six feet under, all empty promises forgotten and dead along with them.</p><p>"Hey, can I touch you?"</p><p>Nagito's head bobs a little without much thought, because no matter what the context or scenario, he knows Hajime would never hurt him. And within moments there are soft hands in his tangled unkept hair, gently working through knots and proving him a comfort greater than needed.</p><p>"Thank you. I'm really proud of you, you know? You've come so far already, and no matter how hard this is for you, you're still here with us. I'm so glad."</p><p>And even if Nagito's eyes weren't overflowing with wet emotion seeping out, he wouldn't have needed to look to know that Hajime has that embarrassed look on his face, the one that comes out whenever he shows a little bit of affection. The mere thought gets a tiny choked laugh out of his dry throat, and the brunette grins at the sight.</p><p>And once again, Komaeda thinks. Although, this time, it's no where near as bitter and hurt. Because as selfish as the voice in his head screams that it is, he can let himself find some form of content within this wreck of a life, even if only for a moment.</p><p>So for another day, Nagito doesn't don't the energy to get out of bed. But with the warm arms wrapped around him, and a little slither of hope shyly dancing around in his aching heart, maybe it's alright for a day.</p><p>Because somewhere deep inside his not yet hollow chest, he knows..</p><p>This feeling isn't permanent. </p><p>These crushing feelings will pass, and most of all</p><p>Things will be okay.</p>
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